a new start

After almost 7 years, we broke up. 10 days before my 34^th birthday.

I think I’m in shock. I don’t get the full scope of things right now. He’s at his mother’s (poor him….) – maybe this will make him change his mind. I’m sitting here, with dark nail polish on one hand. Smoking a cigarette in another. Writing. Trying to figure out what’s going on. What went wrong. What did I say? What did I do? What will I do? WTF will I do?

And it was because I wanted kinds, and he didn’t. ever. Is this too much to ask? How did I found the one person in the whole world (Well, in lala land) that doesn’t want kids?

We should have kids. They would be amazing. We would be amazing. So WTF went wrong?

I would I go on from this point? What should I do? Will I ever find another person I would like to share my life with?

You see, I thought A was my soul mate. I still think so. He was the one. He was the only person in the world that knew how to make my day better, even after the worst day at work with a smile, a gesture, a hug.

Here I’m going to say it out loud- to the universe – like they say in the book “the secret”: I want to have children with him. I want to be his wife. I want to have a family with him. I want to get old with him, and be friends and lovers forever.

Here, I said this. Now make it happen.

i still hope that he would change his mind. that he would come and say to me "i want to be with you. i want you to be the mother of my children". and deep inside, i think it might happen. not now. now, i have to go. i have to start fresh. he needs to hurt, and think, and make decisions.
i need to remember who i am. to feel the sun warming my stomach and soul again. i need to love me again.
i don't know what will happen. i will be leaving next week. to a new home, a new start.

wish me luck. i need it.
xoxo

venting

i guess this place will deal a lot with venting. otherwise, i might go postal on my co-workers... you see, working in media, you tend to spend more time with them, than with your family and friends. i would say they are my 'work-husband/wife' but rest assured that if i had a choice, i would never in a million years marry nor date nor even consider it....
they are lazy, some of them are stupid. plain stupid. and the worse of all, they all think the sun shines from their ass(an israeli slag i happened to love...).
all my "breath in -breath out" methods are not working anymore, and so i turned to public venting...

because there's a very slim chance that one of my co-workers will read this, i will stop here. dont want a law suit....

xoxo

25 random things

1. I was born on the eve of Yom Kippur.
2. My life changed the day I met A. he is truly my better half.
3. We have 2 dogs, 2 horses and 5 fish.
4. I can listen to the same song over and over again; my personal record is 3 hours. I stopped after one of my neighbors knocked on my door and asked if I know the words by now.
5. In every true/false game I use the same 2 lines: I received a certificate of honor from President Clinton/// I spent a day in jail in Kenya after someone overheard me talking about may cat, how had the same name as the Kenyan President – Moi. You'll have to figure out which one is which.
6. I was shot at twice, been in 4 suicide bombing attacks. I think I'm might be pushing my luck.
7. I am one of the few people that smoke the crappy Israeli cigarette 'Nobless'. I hope that they won't close the factory down.
8. I used to dye my hair pink whenever I felt bad. Now I drink wine.
9. I truly believe that all my problems in life would be solved if only I was 10 cm higher.
10. I wear mostly black. One of my former colleagues called me the widow.
11. Few years ago I was a foster mom for 4 kittens, after a cat gave birth in my closet, and left. I had to wake up every 2 hours to feed them, and carried them to work in a box.
12. My first boyfriend and my current one (my better half) served together in the army. They hated each other.
13. My aunt is convinced that I look like Drew Barrymore. It might have been true 20 years ago, when I did look like Gerty in E.T. Some of my friends think that if we'll' meet (Drew and me) we'll become best friends. Maybe.
14. E.T is my favorite movie. I saw it over 30 times. Every time I cry in the same places. It amazes my boyfriend.
15. At the end of my army term, I almost was sent to jail because I shaved my head. Aparently, shaving your head is like declaring a coup.
16. I never saw Bambi until the end. I can't bring myself to watch the mother die.
17. Everybody think my handwriting in Hebrew is beautiful, but no one can read it. Sometimes, I have to agree with them, since I can't read it either.
18. During my University days, I volunteered as a counselor in a HIV/AIDS clinic. One day, at lunch I dropped my bag in the middle of the cafeteria, and dropped hundred condoms on the floor. I said to the people that helped me pick them up- "it's ok, it's for my job". Later I understood how weird it sounded to them…
19. I've been in Africa 4 times in the last 8 years, and if it was up to me, I'd go back there right now. A witch doctor told me that I might have been Queen Sheba in one of my reincarnations.
20. My first doll was a dark one. Therefore, whenever my parents ask me why I want to be in Africa again, I blame them for getting me the doll.
21. My last trip was to Ghana, where I volunteered in a small village up in the north of the country. It was the best 4 weeks of my life.
22. I'm an African princess. I was crowned 2 months ago, and my new African name is Yaa- Asawanti.
23. I'd like to meet Nelson Mandela, Bono, Oprah Winfrey and President Clinton. I sent them all letters. Never got a response.
24. One day, I hope I'd be UN secretary General. I've been saying it since I was 5 years old.
25. I understood how influential I was an editor in Israeli TV when one of my Professors in the university talked about an item that aired few days earlier. He had a whole theory about it, but he didn’t know that it aired because I won a bet, and I thought the guy looked good in a skirt.
    

there's always a first time

I've been thinking about starting a blog for a long time. You see, having a boyfriend, a shrink, a close family and some good friends you can rely on is apparently not enough for me. There are some things I just can say to any of them, or simply don't want to...
But, the urge to "spill it" so I won't end up with an ulcer by the age of 35, is still here. So, hopefully, this blog will help me.
For now, I will not put anything that might identify me, but I'll supply the big picture. This way, if you'll read the blog, and you might pass me on the street it won't be awkward for the both of us (think about meeting your shrink at a wedding...) .
Since I'm a newbie, I'd be happy to get any advice about the blog. Any questions, as long as they're NOT too personal or rude, are welcome, and I'd LOVE to hear from you --- after all, everyone with a blog is after some attention.