a new start

After almost 7 years, we broke up. 10 days before my 34^th birthday.

I think I’m in shock. I don’t get the full scope of things right now. He’s at his mother’s (poor him….) – maybe this will make him change his mind. I’m sitting here, with dark nail polish on one hand. Smoking a cigarette in another. Writing. Trying to figure out what’s going on. What went wrong. What did I say? What did I do? What will I do? WTF will I do?

And it was because I wanted kinds, and he didn’t. ever. Is this too much to ask? How did I found the one person in the whole world (Well, in lala land) that doesn’t want kids?

We should have kids. They would be amazing. We would be amazing. So WTF went wrong?

I would I go on from this point? What should I do? Will I ever find another person I would like to share my life with?

You see, I thought A was my soul mate. I still think so. He was the one. He was the only person in the world that knew how to make my day better, even after the worst day at work with a smile, a gesture, a hug.

Here I’m going to say it out loud- to the universe – like they say in the book “the secret”: I want to have children with him. I want to be his wife. I want to have a family with him. I want to get old with him, and be friends and lovers forever.

Here, I said this. Now make it happen.

i still hope that he would change his mind. that he would come and say to me "i want to be with you. i want you to be the mother of my children". and deep inside, i think it might happen. not now. now, i have to go. i have to start fresh. he needs to hurt, and think, and make decisions.
i need to remember who i am. to feel the sun warming my stomach and soul again. i need to love me again.
i don't know what will happen. i will be leaving next week. to a new home, a new start.

wish me luck. i need it.
xoxo